Mr and Mrs Cullen
by tiffanyanne3
Summary: From the "An Edward to Remember" contest. Based on the 1941 movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith." Due to a mixup of documentation, Edward & Bella find out they aren't legally married after 3 years of believing they were. Hilarity & hijinx with a twist of lemon!


_**A/N: **_**This was my entry for the "An Edward to Remember Contest." If you've never seen the 1941 movie _Mr. and Mrs. Smith, _I highly recommend it. It stars the gorgeous Carole Lombard, Robert Montgomery, and Gene Raymond. It's downright hilarious and just plain lovely. Hope you enjoy! **

* * *

On a particular morning during an unremarkable month, Mr. Edward Cullen sat on the floor among the mess of dishes in his bedroom, playing cards for one and smoking a cigarette. All was quiet, and Edward was quite content to keep it that way.

That is, until the maid showed up with her incessant knocking.

"Breakfast, Mr. Cullen!" trilled the housekeeper named Jane.

Edward opened the door just enough to accept the breakfast tray Jane proffered. She stood on tiptoe to see if she could get a glimpse inside the bedroom, but Mr. Cullen closed the door quickly. Jane shrugged and made her way back to the kitchen.

Inside the bedroom, Mrs. Isabella Cullen had opened one sleepy eye, peeking through her messy mop of hair to see who had knocked on the door. Edward took the tray over to the bedside table. His wife tossed around in her apparent sleep again, but made no other move to indicate that she was awake. Edward took his coffee and cigarette and went back to his card game.

Back in the kitchen, the older maid, Angela, confronted Bree. "Well, what are they doing?"

Jane smirked. "She's under the covers. He's playing cards."

The phone rang at that moment. "Smith residence," answered Angela. It was Mr. Whitlock, Mr. Cullen's partner at the law office. "No, Mr. Whitlock, they haven't come out yet. They just opened the door for breakfast now, but they didn't let out any dishes. I'm running out of dishes!"

"Well, they've been in there three days already," Jasper Whitlock remarked. "What's the longest they've kept this thing up?"

"Eight," said Angela.

"Eight?!" repeated Mr. Whitlock. "Has Tyler gotten there yet?"

Jane entered with Tyler at that very moment. "He just came in," said Angela, handing the phone over. "It's Mr. Whitlock."

"Yes, Mr. Whitlock?" the young clerk answered.

"Now listen, Tyler. That paper's got to be signed, so don't you leave there til it's signed. Understand? I'm depending on you, Tyler."

"I'll come back with it signed, Mr. Whitlock." He hung up the phone and turned bravely to Angela. "Take me to the room."

Angela raised an eyebrow but led him to the bedroom door anyway.

He knocked tentatively. "Mr. Cullen? Mr. Cullen, it's me, Tyler, from the office." There was no answer. "M--Mr. Whitlock says you'll have to sign this. We can't keep postponing this case. I'm putting it under the door, Mr. Cullen."

Five seconds later, the document was shoved through gap under the door back out into the hallway.

Tyler's relief was brief. "You--you signed it in pencil."

"Haven't got any ink," said Mr. Cullen.

"It's no good in pencil."

"Well, go over it with a pen."

"But that's forgery!"

"No, it isn't," countered Mr. Cullen. "Anyway, nobody'd know."

"But I take my bar examination next June. I could get into trouble."

Finally--_finally_--the door opened a single crack. Edward snapped his fingers at Tyler. "Give me a pen," he growled. He scrawled his signature on the appropriate line and shoved the document and the pen back through the crack into Tyler's hands.

"Thank you, Mr. Cullen!" Tyler said joyfully and practically skipped away.

Edward began to close the door again, but he looked over to see his wife turn over yet again in her sleep. He decided to play a little prank on the sleepyhead. He left the door ajar and went to hide behind the small sofa, then picked up a cane with which to slam the door. At the sound of the door banging shut, Bella sat bolt upright in bed, all wide-eyed. She surveyed the room but found no sign of her husband. Her shoulders slumped.

Edward poked his head out from behind the couch, and they smiled at one another. He sat beside his wife on the bed, taking her into his arms and holding her closely. "Thought I'd left, huh?"

Bella simply nodded.

"What would you do if I walked out that door?"

She shook her head.

He ventured a guess. "Leave me?"

She nodded again.

"Forever?"

Again, a slight nod.

"Long as we live, we must never change that rule," she said.

"That's right," he said with a smile, kissing her forehead.

"You know, if every married couple had it, there'd never be a divorce. They ought to put it in the marriage ceremony: 'You are not allowed to leave the bedroom after a quarrel unless you've made up.'a"

"Well, most men can't afford to stay away from the office three days at a crack."

Bella hummed and snuggled into him. "Remember the eight-day session? And the six?"

"Yeah, there were two sixes."

"Two?"

"One Christmas week, and uh...the other one the week of the Yale game."

"That was only five and a half. We started in the afternoon."

They laughed quietly together and kissed sweetly.

"How about some breakfast?" said Edward. Bella nodded her reply.

********

A mere ten minutes later, the couple was seated at the dining table enjoying the breakfast that hadn't yet cooled. "Respect for each other as persons. That's our big trick," Bella said.

"Mmhmm," Edward agreed.

"You know, I think we'd be friends if we were men or women, don't you? Respect for each other as individuals. That's what counts. To always tell the truth, no matter what the consequences. You know, I think if we told each other just one lie, we'd have to admit we failed, wouldn't we?"

"Mmhmm," he agreed again through a mouthful of eggs.

"And what would we have left? A marriage like other people's," she said. "Doubt, distrust, going on with each other because it's the easiest way."

"Mmhmm," he said.

"Mmhmm," she replied. "You know, it was all my fault."

"No, my dear, it was mine."

"It was my fault, dear," she insisted.

"Mine, darling," he said with a shake of his head. "I shouldn't be jealous so much, and I should lay off your family."

She smiled beatifically. "A wife should conduct herself to please her husband." She took a bite of toast. "That's one of the rules I'm going to make."

"Another one?" Edward asked, a little nervous at the possibility of yet another of his wife's rules. "Uh, darling, I think I'd better be running along."

"Oh no, honey, not just yet. Remember Rule Number Seven?"

"Yes, but I thought we gave that one up. It always got us into so much trouble."

"If we give up one, it means giving up just that much of our wonderful relationship. That we're letting down. You wouldn't want me to feel that, would you?" She batted her eyelashes at him, knowing he couldn't resist.

Edward winced. "But those questions you ask each month. About that trip I took to Paris the year I graduated from college. I was only..."

"I forgave you that," Bella said.

Edward contemplated Rule Number Seven and sighed. "Shoot," he said, indicating that she should go ahead. Rule Number Seven meant that Bella would get to ask him one question, no holds barred.

"If you had it all to do over again," she said, "would you have married me?"

"Honestly? No." He saw the shock on his wife's face and hurried to sooth the blow. "Not that I would want to be married to anyone else, but I think that when a man marries, he gives up a certain amount of freedom and independence. If I had to do it all over again, I think I would stay single. You wanted me to answer you truthfully, because we respect each other. We're honest with each other." He watched his wife's face carefully. "Your feelings aren't hurt, are they?"

Bella had to lie. "No. It's perfectly all right."

"That's enough of that," Edward said. "I was only answering a hypothetical question of what I would do if I had to do it all over again."

"Edward, if you want your freedom, I don't want to be the kind of wife who clings to her husband when she's not wanted." Bella held her head high.

"Darling," Edward said. He got up and crossed to her side of the table, taking her face in his hands. "I do want to be married to you. I love you. I worship you. I am used to you." He kissed her gently. "How do we always get into these things?"

"If my only hold on you is that you're used to me--"

"You've got the whole thing wrong. I don't know what I'd do without you." Bella's eyes teared up at his words. "Now, don't cry. Don't cry," Edward soothed. "Forgive me? Say you forgive me."

She bit her lip and nodded.

"Now can I go to work?" he asked with another peck on her cheek. They walked to the door arm in arm. "I'll come back early. And I mean early." This was said with a slight leer and a suggestive wink.

"Don't work too hard, darling," she said to him.

And with that, Edward Cullen left for work for the first time in three days.

********

Mr. Cullen breezed into the office with a curt "G'morning."

"Good morning, Mr. Cullen," said the secretaries, Bree and Jessica.

"Ah, morning, Edward," Jasper greeted as Edward entered the inner office.

"Morning, Jasper," Edward said.

Jasper stared at him with a smirk and a raised eyebrow. "Well, you know how she gotta humor her in these things," Edward offered.

Jasper put his hands up in protest. "Don't apologize to me, Edward. I envy you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I was in your shoes."

Edward sighed with a gleam in his eye. "Yeah, she's a great kid." He regarded the pile of work on his desk. "Certainly piles up, doesn't it?"

Bree entered the office at that moment. Edward smiled at her. "What is it?"

"A Mr. Banner has been waiting to see you. He won't tell me his business. Says it's private."

"Send him in."

"I'll leave you to your miseries," said Jasper. "What about lunch at the club, if you can make it?"

"I'll try and make it, Jasper."

"Mr. Banner," Bree announced as she led him into the office.

"How do you do?" said the man.

Edward invited him to sit down, and the distinguished-looking man took the leather chair in front of the desk. "What can I do for you?" Edward asked.

The man got straight to the point. "Were you married in Forks, Washington, in March?"

Edward said that he was. Mr. Banner began to describe things such as county lines and landmarks and towns belonging in different districts. It sounded pretty tedious to Edward, and he didn't understand how any of this pertained to him. Then Mr. Banner mentioned Jefferson County marriage licenses, and the fact that Forks was actually in Clallam county.

"We just found out," said the man, "that anybody who got married between 1936 and now with a Jefferson County license in Forks...well...it isn't legal."

Edward blinked. "What do you mean it isn't legal?"

"Now, now, I don't want you to be frightened or upset or anything, but there's been a kind of mistake. You're not legally married.

"What's that?"

"Oh, you really are married and everything, but there's a little technicality. It's perfectly all right, you understand...common law and everything. But we figured in case of deaths and wills and births, it'd be better if everybody kind of got married again...just to be on the safe side. And the chamber of commerce is sending me around to everybody to tell them." Mr. Banner reached into his pocket. "And here, we give you your two dollars back, and you can use it to get another license."

Edward was shocked, but he chuckled. "Kinda funny, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I've been doing this two weeks now, and I've had a hard time locating some of the couples."

Edward laughed again.

"Well, I guess I'll be going now, Mr. Cullen. I--I hope you don't hold this against Forks. It really wasn't our fault."

Edward waved him off. "Oh no, not at all."

Mr. Banner made to leave the office, but stopped at the bookshelf to examine a picture of a beautiful woman. "Is that your wife?" he asked.

Edward nodded.

"Was she Isabella Swan?"

"Yes. She lived in Forks. That's how we happened to get married there. Did you know her?"

"Did I know her? Why, when she was knee-high to a grasshopper, she and my kid sister used to go running in and out of the house all the time. I remember it like it was yesterday. I can't get over that! I guess she's changed some."

"Well, she's changed a little," Edward said.

"She once chased a dog-catcher half a mile with a baseball bat."

Edward thought of his wife's temper and violent tendencies when crossed. "She hasn't changed as much as you would think."

"Sure is a fine-looking woman. Tell her I was asking for her, will you? Old Henry Banner. She'll remember me."

"Indeed, I will. Thank you very much, Mr. Banner."

Mr. Banner picked up his hat and briefcase. "Goodbye, Mr. Cullen."

"You can find your way out?"

"Yes, thank you."

When the man had left, Edward sat behind his desk and buzzed Bree.

"Yes, Mr. Cullen?" she answered.

"Get me my home." Edward sat at his desk while he waited. He picked up his day calendar and circled the 6:30pm time slot, writing _Miss_ _Isabella Swan _in his elegant hand. He smiled at the sight. It sent him back to a simpler time when they were merely courting. A moment later, the line clicked, and Mrs. Cullen answered.

"Hello, dear," she cooed.

"Where do you think I'm going to take you for dinner tonight?"

Bella ventured a few guesses, each of which Edward denied.

"Momma Lucy's," he finally said.

"Honey! I didn't even think you remembered the name of the place. We haven't been there since before we were married. Oh, I love you."

"You want to pick me up here about six?" Edward asked.

She agreed, and they ended their phone call with expressions of love and promises for later.

********

Mr. Banner was making his way along to his next stop, when he passed the address that was under the listing for Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. He decided that he should pay Mrs. Cullen a visit, seeing how he remembered her from when she was just a kid. He asked the driver to let him off there instead of the previously agreed-upon address.

Meanwhile, Bella was inside her apartment, having tea with her mother.

Renee Swan was a lovely society woman who often visited her only daughter for afternoon tea. "Isabella, I must be going. Thank you for the tea."

"All right, mother dear," Bella said. She stood to kiss her mother's cheek, but before Renee could take her leave, Jane entered the room. "Mrs. Cullen, a Mr. Henry Banner is here to see you. He says you'll remember him from Forks."

"Oh! Show him in, Bree."

"Henry Banner!" exclaimed Mrs. Swan in recognition.

Bella nodded. "Emily Banner's brother."

At that moment, the very man walked around the corner, hat and briefcase in hand.

"Well, Henry Banner," Bella said, stretching out her hand for him to take in his. "This is quite a surprise."

"Hello, Bella. Hello, Mrs. Swan. I didn't know if you'd remember me."

"What are you doing in New York?" asked Mrs. Swan.

"I'm here on business."

"How's your wife?" asked Bella.

"She's fine, thanks."

"And how's Emily?"

"She's fine too. Married to a dairy farmer in Forks. Got four children, all girls."

"Well, good for Emily. Sit down, won't you? Have some tea."

"No, thanks, I've got a lot to do. Only dropped in for a second. Certainly feels good to see somebody from our neck of the woods. You haven't changed a bit from the little girl who used to go running in and out of the house. I'd have recognized you in a minute."

"Why, Henry Banner, that's the nicest thing you could've said to me," she said gracefully.

"I did recognize you. Only saw your picture on your husband's desk and recognized you right off. Say, he's a good-looking fellow."

Bella stopped what she was doing. "What were you doing with my husband?"

"Well, you know, Forks was always incorporated in Jefferson County..." Mr. Banner went on to give the same explanation that he had repeated umpteen times in as many days. "So you see, you're not legally married."

"Why, that's terrible!" said Mrs. Swan, obviously horrified that something like this could happen at all.

"It's nothing. I gave your husband his two dollars back, and you don't lose a cent on the whole thing. You just get married again."

"I should hope so!" said Mrs. Swan.

"Now, Mother, don't get excited. Edward will do right by your little girl," Bella said with a grin.

Mrs. Swan fanned herself with her gloves. "How do you know?"

"Because he's already called up and wants us to have dinner for two at Momma Lucy's. He'll marry me tonight."

"I hope so," sniffed Mrs. Swan. She looked to Mr. Banner as she prepared to take her leave. "Can I drive you somewhere, Mr. Banner?"

"Thank you, Mrs. Swan, I'd appreciate it."

"Give my love to Emily and those four girls," Bella said as she saw the pair to the door.

"Thanks. And goodbye again, Bella."

Before exiting the apartment, Mrs. Swan turned again to her daughter. "I do hope everything will be all right."

"Mother, what are you talking about?"

"You call me up if anything happens...if _nothing_ happens, that is. Don't worry, darling."

"Goodbye, Mother," Bella said, closing the door behind and rolling her eyes. She stood and bit at her nail for a second, still in shock. After a moment of deliberation, she actually found herself excited at the prospect of marrying her dear Edward all over again. And possibly a repeat of their honeymoon. She giggled a little to herself.

********

Mr. and Mrs. Cullen were riding in a taxi to Momma Lucy's later that evening, and Bella was ruminating over what dinner would entail.

"The table will be covered in a checkered cloth, and there'll be a candle in an old Chianti bottle," Bella said. "You know, I even love the smell of the place."

They exited in front of Momma Lucy's Restaurant, both inhaling deeply through their noses in order to take in the lovely aroma of Momma Lucy's mouth-watering cuisine. But something was amiss.

Edward turned to his wife. "Either our noses have changed or they've built a livery stable around here somewhere."

"It's not exactly Chanel No. 5," agreed Bella. "Let's go in."

The pair walked into the nostalgic restaurant, only to be met with something that was not quite what they had been expecting. The candlelight and elegance that had been Momma Lucy's was no more. In place of the certain ambiance with which the couple had fallen in love, there was a...different sort of atmosphere. That of...something like...well, to put it bluntly, a _greasy spoon_.

Edward shrugged. "The place has changed a little."

From a back room emerged an overweight man in an apron and paper cap. He approached the couple without pleasantries.

"Is Momma Lucy here?" asked Bella.

"I _am_ Momma Lucy."

Edward snickered. "_You've_ changed a little."

The man took a drag from his cigar. "She went back to the old country." He turned to go back to whatever it was that fat, balding men in aprons and paper caps did.

"Wait a minute. We'd like to eat here," Edward said before the man could walk away.

The man raised an eyebrow. "You wanna eat here?"

"Yes, if you haven't any objection."

"If you got no objection, I got no objection. Where'd ya like to sit?"

"We used to come here years ago," Bella explained, "and there used to be tables outside. Would it be too much trouble to have it the way it used to be?"

The man kept himself from rolling his eyes. "Are ya gonna have a forty-five-cent dinner or a sixty-five-cent dinner?"

"Sixty-five," Edward answered, as though it should have been immediately understood.

"Okay." The man, who had not offered a name, led them to a table out front on the sidewalk and plopped menus down onto the tabletop.

Edward pulled Bella's chair out for her, and she simpered up at him before gingerly taking her seat. "Tablecloth isn't checkered," he said. Edward lifted one side of his mouth in her favorite smile. "But it's dirty enough so it looks checkered."

"Candle stuck in the beer bottle isn't the same, is it?"

Edward shook his head. Within ten minutes, the couple was eating their first course.

Bella knew the only way to get him off the train of thought was to change the subject completely. "Where shall we go after this?"

"Home," he answered simply.

"Home?" She blinked. "Aren't we supposed to go someplace before we go home?"

Edward chuckled. "Altogether, it would make it too late."

At her husband's lack of cooperation, Bella decided to change tactics. "Edward?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Tell me what you do a day in the office. Just a simple day, like today. From the time you came in til you went home, what happened?"

"Just a lot of schmooze. It's duller than dishwater, really."

"No, it isn't. I'm very interested. What sort of things go on in a day? Who did you see? Please try and remember."

"Let me see. Oh, yes!"

Bella leaned forward. Was this the moment he would propose to marry her all over again?

"Some sucker came in and wanted his alimony reduced. Another guy wanted me to rub out a name in his grandmother's will. And that's about all. I spent most of the day in conference with Jasper. Things pile up in three days."

The owner of the restaurant came back to check on them then. "Your name Mrs. Cullen?"

"Yes. How did you know?"

"Your mother is in the kitchen. On the phone."

"Oh! It must be about our Red Cross group." She placed her napkin on the table and stood to go into the kitchen. She warily picked up the phone, fearing for the greasy film. She held it a slight distance from her ear. "Hello, Mother."

"Darling, has he proposed yet?"

"Not exactly. He's teasing me. He thinks he's being romantic about it. Mother, are you crying?"

"My poor baby. Thank heaven your father is dead. Listen to me. Under no conditions--do you hear me?-- are you to, to..._ahem_" Mrs. Swan paused to make her insinuation.

"Why, Mother, of course not!"

"Worse comes to worst, you spend the night with me."

"Yes, Mother."

"Good night, my love."

Bella hung up the phone and went back into the dining room.

"Everything all right?" asked Edward.

Bella nodded, and they continued their meal in silence. Edward spoke again after a few bites. "Darling, I have a little secret to tell you."

"It's about time. What is it, dear?"

"You're a great kid." He said it with her favorite smile--the one that made his eyes crinkle and twinkle.

She bit the inside of her lip to keep from chiding him about his teasing. "It's getting rather late...if we have to go anyplace...if you know what I mean."

"I get it. Waiter, check."

********

Back at home, Bella had changed into her nighttime attire while Edward shed his coat and tie. He stood in the sitting room, chilling a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket and whistling.

Bella approached him, puzzled at his behavior.

"Glasses, dear?" he requested.

"Glasses?"

He chuckled. "Don't want to drink out of the bottle, do you?"

She turned to go into the kitchen for a couple of champagne glasses, still feeling a bit bewildered, angry in fact. Edward continued whistling as he followed her with the champagne bucket. They made their way to the bedroom, but Bella paused. Edward went into the dressing room, winking at his wife before he closed the door and whistling all the while. Her anger grew.

When Edward emerged, he was shocked to see Bella throw the champagne bucket and glasses onto the floor. They shattered into a million pieces, and the floor began to soak up the champagne. "You beast! You know we're not married. You weren't going to tell me!"

"I was going to tell you, Bella. I was going to tell you later," Edward protested.

"How much later?"

"Now there's no need in going on like this."

"You were going to wait...until...and then throw me aside like a squeezed lemon!"

"Don't dramatize this."

"I've given you the best years of my life, and you were willing to go on and on. I've always had a suspicion about you, and so did my mother. Your forehead slants back too much!"

Edward reached for her. "Will you please let me say--"

"_Don't_ touch me!" she hissed.

"But, Bella, I--"

"Get out of here!" Edward stood with a hurt look on his face, but she continued. "Go on. You're not staying here."

He tried to bring up Rule Number One. "We can't leave the bedroom til we've made up."

"You're not _in_ the bedroom. Get out!"

"Listen to me!"

"I know you for what you are. I'm lucky I found you out. You're going out of here." She picked up his discarded suit and led him to the front door.

"Those are my clothes!"

This enraged her even further. "Never come back," she growled. "I never want to see you again as long as you live."

"Bella, where are you going?" he asked, following her out. But his question fell on deaf ears, as the door was slammed in his face. He banged on the door for a few solid minutes, but there was no answer. Edward stood there, not really knowing what to do. Once he had come up with some semblance of an idea of where to go, Edward walked away from his apartment door, shoulders slumped and head down. He'd give his wife the night to calm down. He knew her temper and figured she needed a short period for cooling off. Surely, she'd figure out that it was all a misunderstanding and come to her senses.

********

"Good evening, Mr. Cullen," said the rather chipper desk clerk at the men's club.

"Good evening, Marcus. Have you a room for a member who pays his dues?"

"I'm sure we have. Quite a novelty seeing you, sir. Don't remember you spending a night here in three years." He turned to get the key for a vacant room. "Here you are, sir."

Edward went to his room and immediately decided a good long while in the steam room was exactly what he needed to clear his head. He poured himself a drink to take in with him. As he wandered through the steamy room, he began to take a seat.

"Hey, look out!" said a man's voice. The man seemed to recognize him then. "Well, hello, Cullen."

"Hello," said Edward.

"McCarty, Emmett McCarty. Don't you remember me? You and I played in a foursome in last year's golf tournament."

"Yeah. How are you?"

"Fine, how are you?"

"Ah, well...I've got kind of a little crick in my neck, and I thought this might work it out."

"Uh-huh," said McCarty. "I had a fight with my wife, too."

"It wasn't exactly a fight," said Edward.

"You know what I can't understand? Whenever two people have a fight, the woman always goes home to her mother, but when my wife and I have a fight, I have to get out of the house."

"Huh," said Edward. "How do you get back?

"Simplest thing in the world," said McCarty with a shrug. "Ignore it. Ignore the whole thing. Next day, they're dyin' to see ya. Take it from me, brother, I've had experience."

Edward brightened a bit after considering this. "Yeah. You're right! Just go to the office, don't even telephone. She worries why don't I come back? And when I do get back, why... Heh..."

********

The next day, Edward came home with a gift for his wife in hand. When he approached the door, he saw that she had tacked a piece of paper over their brass name plate. _Miss Isabella Swan, _it read. Edward squinted at it and tore it off hastily, then rang the buzzer twice.

"What can I do for you?" Angela asked when she opened the door.

"What can you do for me?" Edward repeated incredulously. "What's this?" He gestured to something keeping the door from opening.

"A chain to keep people out," said Angela.

"Well, open it up!"

"Miss Swan's not at home."

"_Miss Swan's not at home?!_ I'm going to come in and wait. You open that up, or I'll fire you."

"You're not firing me. I was the midwife when Bella was born." It was the second time in twenty-four hours Edward had his own front door slammed in his face.

Edward rapped on the door repeatedly, but to no avail. He sat in the lobby while he waited on Bella to return. A good while later, he saw her get out of a fancy car, wearing a long evening gown and followed by an older man in a top hat and gloves.

"Thank you for a wonderful evening," she said.

"I'll take you upstairs," said the man."

"Oh, no, that's quite all right, Mr. Newton. I had a wonderful time."

"I did too, Miss Swan."

"Good night."

"Good night," Newton said. He leaned in for a kiss.

"Oh, no, no, Mr. Newton!"

He chuckled. "Well, they can't rule you out for trying.

She smiled demurely. "That's right. Good night."

"Better luck next time," he said. "Good night."

Edward approached the man with a sneer but said nothing.

He followed Bella up to their apartment and knocked on the closed door. "Open this door. I know you're there." No answer. "Now this is ridiculous. I saw you downstairs with that old goat. Open the door! I'm not gonna stand for this!" He knocked again. "Bella, you open that door!"

She didn't. He threw the gift he'd been holding for her down on the ground and stomped away.

Back at the club, Marcus handed Mr. Cullen the key to his room. "Tsk. When they come back a second night, things are bad."

********

The next day, Edward waited outside the apartment building until Bella came out. She got into a cab, which started to drive away, but he jumped in after her. "Go on, go on," he ordered the stunned driver.

Edward turned to his wife. "Now."

"Now what?"

"Are you gonna stop this silly fuss, or aren't you? I've got a lot of work piled up for me at the office. I've just been through a three-day session of this nonsense, and I haven't anymore time for these games of yours. You can come home now, and I'm willing not to discuss it anymore."

"That's very generous of you. Who do you think you're talking to?"

"My wife."

"We're not married."

"Are you out of your mind? Certainly, we're married. What do you mean, after three years we're not married?"

"Legally, we're not married."

"Oh, for-- all right we'll _get_ married. Does that satisfy you?"

"'We'll get married.' That's a nice, _snarling_ proposal. Listen here, you had a hard enough

job getting me to marry you before, and I didn't know you. But I do now, and _how _I know you. If anyone asks, you're no bargain." Bella knew in her heart that this wasn't the entire truth, but the sting of her anger was still present.

"Well, what's the matter with me?"

"I don't want this discussion to run into hours. I'm very busy."

"Name one thing about me you don't like."

"One thing. My, aren't we vain?"

"One thing I am not is vain."

"What about that tar stuff you keep rubbing in your hair that smells up my whole bedroom?"

"I am only trying to save my hair for you. And you're a fine one to talk! Going to bed with those aluminum clips in your hair. You turned over one night and cut me in twenty places."

"You needn't worry. You won't be cut anymore."

"I'm not gonna stand anymore of this, and that's my final word on the matter!"

Bella smirked. "Nice to have met you."

"I'm not going to support you. What do you think of that?"

"Fine."

"No, I mean it. You're not gonna get anymore money."

"Who asked you?" she said, with a bat of her eyelashes.

The cab pulled up in front of a department store, and Bella got out.

"I want you to know that I'm doing this reluctantly," he called after her. Of course this was a lie, for he wouldn't be going to such lengths if he didn't want his wife back terribly.

She handed cash to the driver before turning to him, said, "Suits me," then turned back to the driver. "Keep the change."

"You're not being very practical. How do you think you're going to live?"

They walked into the store, where the security guard greeted Bella. "Good morning."

Edward just kept following her. "Hey, where do you think you're going?" asked the guard.

Edward looked up, only to notice the arrow above his head. _Employees only, _it read. He went around to the front entrance to stand with the Ladies Who Lunch, waiting for the store open.

When the doors were opened, he rushed in and searched each department for Bella.

He eventually found her in the department that sold baby items. "I see you. You might as well come up," he said.

Bella meekly stood from her crouch behind the counter. "Anything I can do for you, sir?"

"Are you crazy? Will you please do me a favor and come home? I'm supposed to be in court this morning."

"Well, I'm sorry, sir. I think you have the wrong department. We have nothing here for you."

"Are you gonna come out of here peacefully, or will I have to carry you?"

"And the most wonderful feature of these," Bella said, picking up a stack of disposable diapers, "is that you don't even have to launder them. Just throw them away."

"That suits me!" Edward exclaimed, knocking them out of her hand and grabbing her from behind the counter. She resisted, and her boss approached hastily.

"Miss Swan, what are you doing to the customer?!"

"I'm not doing anything. Look who's got who!" she said.

"I'm going to have to ask you to release our sales girl," the man said to Edward.

"Do you wanna try and make me release her?"

"If you're not pleased with this clerk, I'll be happy to get you another."

"I'm pleased with her, all right, but she's no clerk. She's my wife!"

"Your wife?" the man repeated.

"I am not!" Bella protested.

"Miss Swan, we understood you were a single woman. As an aid to the unemployment crisis, it is our policy not to employ married women."

"And quite right, too," Edward added with a curt nod.

"I am _not _married!" Bella cried.

"She's married, all right!" Edward argued.

The manager sighed. "We'll have to take this up with the head of the firm.

"Well, take me to him," Bella said haughtily.

They were taken to the top floor of the store, where a bald, bespectacled man sat behind a desk. Edward realized with much disdain that the man was the very same Mr. Newton who had dropped Bella off the night before. The floor manager approached his boss. "This gentleman claims to be married to Miss Swan."

"We are not married!" Bella repeated for what seemed like the hundredth time that day.

"You understand, Miss Swan, it is not our policy to employ married women."

"I told her that," said the manager.

"We aren't married, Mr. Newton," Bella insisted.

"We are! Where'd you meet this monkey?" Edward asked of Mr. Newton.

"Rose introduced me."

"That's the last time I want you to talk to Rose. I never liked her in the first place."

"Mr. Newton, I tell you, I am a single girl."

"She is not, you old goat. And what do you mean, taking out innocent girls the night before you give them a job in this dump."

"I am _not_ innocent," Bella growled.

"There you are! She admits it."

"I haven't admitted anything!"

Mr. Newton stood up among the melee. "Are you referring to me as an old goat?"

"Aw, sit down," Edward said, pushing Newton back into his chair.

"Store detectives!" the manager exclaimed. "Yes, I'll get the store detectives."

After more shouting and arguing and less deliberation, Edward and Bella were escorted out of the store by the guards.

"Are you satisfied now?" asked Bella.

"I have an appointment at the office. Will you make up with me?"

"No. I'm not going to make up with you ever."

"For heaven's sake, Bella. What is the matter with you? In the morning, I said that if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't wanna marry you. And now I have a chance to do it all over again, and I want to come back! Doesn't that convince you that I want to stay married to you?"

"Oh, I believe that you want to get married again, and I'm very flattered. But I don't want to marry you. I've thought it all over, and I'm not interested."

"Well, what's the matter with me?"

"Well, I don't like your temper, you're jealous, you're always knocking people down."

"If you are referring to New Year's Eve, I don't think that that drunk had any right to pick up your garter and wave it around."

"It wasn't my garter. I showed you both my garters."

"That was after you'd gone into the ladies' room and gotten Heidi's garters!"

"They were _my_ garters!"

"They were Heidi's garters."

"How do you know they were Heidi's garters?"

"I know they weren't your garters!"

"I don't know what you two are selling, but you have a license to get this crowd around?" asked a policeman who had wandered up.

Edward and Bella stopped and looked around, embarrassed to find that a small crowd had amassed around them.

"What do you mean license? Run along about your business," Edward said.

"Go on. Now hit him, why don't you?" Bella taunted. "Knock him down. Go ahead."

The policeman looked at her like she was crazy. "Madam, I wouldn't advise your friend to strike an officer in this town."

"Well, Officer, I'm on your side. I don't even know this man."

"Oh," said the officer. "Beat it, buddy. Come on, you go this way. And you go that way."

"You can't do this to me!" Edward yelled as the crowd parted, and he watched Bella slip through his fingers.

********

There was a knock on Edward's door in his room at the club later that evening. "Come in," he said in a defeated voice.

"Hello, Edward." It was Jasper.

"Hello."

"Postponed the Bertie case for you and set back the Aro hearing and asked for a continuance against the street car company."

"That's fine," Edward sighed. "Just fine."

Jasper sat next to his friend on the rumpled bed. "I'd like to ask you to do something, Edward."

"I'll get my work cleaned up in no time at all," said Edward. "I--I can't seem to get my mind on it right now."

"That's all right, Edward. You don't know what I"m going to ask you yet."

"Sure, anything you want. You know."

"I'd like to have you drop in at your own home tonight. After dinner."

Edward stood and paced. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I took matters into my own hands and asked Bella to have me to dinner. She's fond of me, and she knows I'm fond of her. I think I can straighten this thing out. I hope it is something I can straighten out."

"Oh, yes. It's nothing at all. It's just a little marital quarrel. Nothing at all, really."

"Hmm, I imagined it was that. You're too fine to do anything shoddy. Now, I'd like to have you just drop in unannounced at, shall we say nine o'clock?"

"Jasper, I--" Edward didn't have words for the kindness of his friend.

"That's all right," said Jasper, reaching out to shake hands.

"You're the best friend a man ever had," said Edward.

"We're partners," corrected Jasper.

"You're the best partner a man ever had."

"And we were school chums."

"You're the best fullback that Texas ever had," relented Edward. "I thought Hinkel was great." He clapped his friend on the shoulder and said seriously, "But Hinkel couldn't touch you."

Jasper stood a little straighter. "Thanks, Edward."

They patted each other on the back.

********

At nine o'clock sharp that evening, Edward rang the buzzer of his own apartment. Angela opened the door.

"May I come in?" Edward asked pleasantly.

"I'll see," said Angela with a bit of a sneer.

Edward waited outside the door with a smile, certain that his friend Jasper's presence would soften the blows his wife had been giving, and that she would allow him entrance.

Angela opened the door after a minute. "It's all right," she said.

Edward's smile brightened further, and he strolled merrily into the apartment. He flung the sitting room doors open with gusto, giving a merry, "Hello, Bella!"

She looked marvelous in her long, black evening dress. Edward felt his heart swell at the beauty that was his wife...er, would be his wife again soon, if all went well. Upon further inspection, however, Edward noticed that his wife's body language was not hinting at anything pleasant. She stood in the middle of the room with her arms crossed, an indignant look on her face. Jasper stood next to her with a stern, yet pitying look. Edward approached them as his smile fell slightly.

"Edward, I want you to talk to my lawyer," said Bella curtly.

"Your lawyer? What lawyer?"

Jasper stepped up to the plate. "Bella has asked me to represent her in this matter, Edward."

Bella looked fondly at him.

"Oh, what for?" Edward asked.

"I've been telling her she doesn't need a lawyer."

Edward chuckled. "I'll say she doesn't."

"She just told me all about it, and as I understand the facts of the case, you two aren't married at all."

"There you are," Bella said merrily.

"What?" said Edward.

"So there's nothing for the court to decide," Jasper explained.

"This happened before in Petersen vs. Petersen, and Jasper said they even threw it out of the Supreme Court," said Bella.

"Hey, what's the matter with you?" he asked his _former_ best friend.

"He said you're lucky it isn't the south, and that I'm not his sister," Bella said with raised eyebrows and a smirk. She gave a small laugh and settled herself gracefully on the couch to watch the scene unfold in front of her.

Edward was beginning to get very angry. "Why, you hillbilly ambulance chaser!"

"Now, there's no need to lose our tempers," began Jasper.

"We're married, and if not legally then by common law. That's just as good. It's better!"

Jasper put his hands up. "Oh, I don't deny there's a kind of common law relationship between you."

Bella stretched her arms across the back of the sofa. "Tell him the whole thing, Jas."

"However, the woman is given the benefit of any difficulties arising out of such a relationship. For instance, should you die, as a wife she's entitled to a share in the husband's estate."

"That's great. When I die, she'll get the furniture," Edward deadpanned.

"Now, you're entitled to hold yourself forth as the husband," said Jasper.

"I am holding myself forth as the husband! I wish you'd tell me something I don't know."

Jasper continued. "Should the woman, however, care to halt the relationship and marry someone else, she's entitled to do so. Petersen versus Petersen, Adams versus Kelly, and Gimble versus New Pennsylvania Coal Company."

Edward leaned on an end table with a disbelieving look on his face. "You are supposed to be my best friend, and you're telling her this."

"Now, Edward, I have never taken advantage of our friendship, and it's only because you're standing here that I can now ask Bella..." he turned to the woman herself, who was still lounging on the sofa with a wide, self-satisfied smile. Jasper cleared his throat. "Would you care to have dinner with me tomorrow night?"

"Well!" said Bella in pleasant surprise.

Edward interrupted. "Bella, I'm asking you to come to your senses and marry me tomorrow. If you have dinner with him tomorrow night, this is final. We're through."

Bella leaned around her "husband" to see Jasper. "What time?"

Edward stared at her in amazement. A surge of adrenaline kept his heart from breaking further. "We're through! From now on, we're just friends."

"Not necessarily," said Bella. "The Florida Club all right?"

"Anywhere you say," said Jasper, giving her a look of adoration. Bella stood and smiled at him, and they both turned to Edward before turning back to one another and shaking hands.

Edward fled the room in a rage, but before he could escape, Jasper joined him in the hallway as they waited for the elevator. Edward threw occasional looks of disdain in Jasper's direction. Jasper, gentleman that he was, ignored the looks. They rode the elevator down in silence, and when they were finally on the front stoop, Edward turned to Jasper, thinking of the only insult he could.

"Comparing yourself to Hinkel as a football player," he harrumphed. "You couldn't carry Hinkel's water bucket!"

Jasper brushed off the insult. "Good night, Edward."

They parted ways, Jasper going off to his plush apartment, and Edward off to the men's club. But before he could walk away, a nagging feeling told Edward not to let this go. He turned back, reentered the building, and made a little deal with the elevator operator, Eric.

A few minutes later, the two approached the apartment door once again and rang the buzzer.

"Who is it?" came Bella's voice from the other side.

"Oh, Mrs. Cullen, could I see you for a moment, please?" Eric said.

"Just a moment, please."

The elevator man quickly left, and Edward stood at the door alone, once again. When Bella opened the door and saw him, she promptly slammed it in his face again. Quite literally. Edward's hand shot up to his face, holding his aching nose.

Bella opened the door a crack. "Good night, Edward. Your nose is bleeding."

********

Back in the steam room at the men's club, Emmett McCarty handed Edward a bottle of gin.

"Are you sure that stuff is good for a nose bleed?" Edward asked.

"Best thing in the world. I always use it. But then, I don't know--I use it for everything," Emmett explained.

Edward sighed. "You know, Bella's used to me. She can't get to sleep until I get home."

"Uh-huh," said Emmett, who had come up with an ingenious idea and was now dialing the rotary phone.

"I'll have fun for a couple of nights. Play a little poker with the boys."

"Jessica?" said Emmett. "Hiya, Jessica. Uh-huh. And I'm kissin' ya back." He held the phone to his chest in order to address Edward. "Wonderful girl. Society girl. Real class." He raised the phone back to his ear. "How about tomorrow night? Atta girl. Listen, I got a friend. How about Lauren?" Again, he addressed Edward. "You'll like Lauren."

Edward did a double take. "Me? Lauren?"

"Ah, he's a wonderful fellow. Society fella. Real class." Turning to Edward again, he said, "Did you ever see the Camel advertisements?"

"Is she as good-looking as that?" Edward said with a raised brow.

"Oh, Lauren!" he said, as Jessica had put her on the phone. "See, I got a nice little dinner partner for you tomorrow night, but he kinda needs cheerin' up... Know what I mean? Okay." He handed the phone over to Edward. "She wants to talk to you."

Edward took the phone doubtfully. "Hello?" He looked at Emmett with a confused face. "She's kissing at me."

"Kiss back at 'er!"

"I don't know her!"

"It's all for a laugh," he said, clapping Edward on the back. "She's a great kid."

Edward made an odd smooching noise. "It feels kinda silly," he said to Emmett.

Emmett chuckled and took the phone from Edward. "Didn't I tell ya? Guy's a great fella. Eight o'clock?" He turned to Edward. "Where do we meet 'em?"

Edward thought to himself for a moment, before a wonderful idea graced his muddled mind. "The Florida Club," he said with a crooked grin.

Emmett confirmed the date and hung up.

"What has Lauren got to do with Camels?" Edward asked.

"Well, she smokes them," Emmett said, waving it off.

"Yeah, but you said something about the advertisements."

"Eh? Oh, well she looks like that girl. She's a dead ringer for her."

"She likes my voice."

"That isn't all she'll like," Emmett said with a chuckle.

********

The next night, Edward made his way through the crowd at the Florida Club to find Emmett and their dates already seated at a table. Edward spied a lovely, willowy blonde sitting next to Emmett.

_Oh, ho! What Bella will think of this. She'll be begging me to come back within the hour, _

he thought.

He heard Emmett's voice over the din of music and laughter. "Not there, Eddie! Over here! Eddie, my boy. The one and only!"

Edward shuddered at the use of the nickname he so hated. When a waiter moved out of his way, Edward was able to see the two girls that actually were sitting with Emmett, neither of whom was the gorgeous dame seated on Emmett's other side.

The girls weren't unattractive, per se, but surely they were lacking in the grace department. The brunette, whom he would later know as Jessica, sat munching on a celery stalk, chewing rather like a cow chews its cud. "What's been keepin' ya?" she said in a high-pitched, scratchy voice.

"Well, hello there!" said the other girl, a petite blonde named Lauren.

Greetings were made, and after a little shuffling of chairs and general confusion, the two men were seated by the correct girls with whom they would spend the evening. "What'll ya have to drink, Eddie?" Emmett asked once they were settled.

"You should try an old-fashioned, Eddie!" shouted Jessica.

"Yeah, have an old-fashioned. Hey, waiter, bring us another old-fashioned," Emmett demanded.

Edward looked on in mild disgust as Jessica chomped away on her celery stalk without a hint of grace and fed Emmett a chunk.

"Isn't it a little crowded in here?" asked Edward. "Couldn't we go someplace where it was quieter...maybe a little darker?" He felt like such a heel, but the girls were really not that attractive, and not exactly the right material with which to try to make Bella jealous.

"Hold it, Cookie," Lauren said, putting her hand on Edward's arm. "We'll go to one of them dark, romantic places later. We're eatin' first. You ever been here?"

"Oh yes," said Edward. "Often. That's why I wanted to go someplace where it was darker..."

Lauren looked around densely. "I don't get it."

Meanwhile, Bella and Jasper were getting settled at a nearby table. Edward looked across and saw Jasper lighting a cigarette for her. Bella looked ravishing in a black gown that left her shoulders and collarbones bear. Her hair was up. He admired the graceful curve of her neck. She was wearing the diamond earrings he gave her for their first anniversary.

"It's awfully hot in here," Edward complained. "I know a place that's very cool."

"Don't rush it!" Emmett said. "We're stuck with the cover charge anyway."

The waiter approached with a large bird on a silver tray then.

"Dish it out. I'm starved!" Lauren said.

"I could eat a horse," Jessica agreed. It didn't escape Edward that she rather looked as though she could be _related_ to a horse.

"Don't forget to take the feathers off," Lauren said with a wrinkled nose.

It was then that Bella looked across and saw Edward, which took her by surprise. She hadn't expected to see him at all. "Edward's here," she said to Jasper as she wrung her hands.

Jasper craned his neck to get a glimpse. "Yes, so I see."

Edward caught Bella's eye at that moment and panicked. He glanced toward Lauren, who was rigorously sawing through, and seemingly wrestling with, the piece of pheasant on her plate.

Edward wondered how he'd gotten into this mess.

"You know what this pheasant is?" said Lauren. "Nothin' but chicken, and tough chicken, at that."

"Lauren doesn't seem to like the food here. Maybe we should go somewhere else?" Edward suggested.

"Ah, it's gettin' better. Ya gotta work on it a little," Lauren said with a mouthful of food.

Emmett worked quickly to change the subject. "Hey, maybe Eddie'll invite us on over to his house after dinner."

Edward downed his drink quickly, which made his nose burn. He saw Bella and Jasper getting closer on the dance floor, so he poured another and downed that one as well. When he looked to the other end of the table, Emmett and Jessica were munching on the same stalk of celery, one on each end. _Classy bunch, they are_, he thought. By this time, Edward was willing to go to any means to get to an end. He picked up the pepper grinder, wrapped it in his napkin, and hit himself in the face with it, hoping to cause a nosebleed. What other excuse could a gentleman give to leave a seemingly fine party?

He took his handkerchief out and held it to his nose. "My dose has starded bleeding. I godda go homb.

Lauren jumped up. "Oh, I can take care of a nosebleed! Just lie right down." She ignored Edward's protests, though protest mightily he did. People were beginning to stare as Lauren pushed him down across two chairs. "Hey, gimme a hunk of ice, will ya? Just take it easy. I know how to stop it. I used to get two of these a day."

"Let me up!" he insisted to no avail.

People were now crowding around the small scene. "Just back up and give him some air, folks," said Emmett with an air of authority.

Among the crowd, Edward saw Bella and Jasper leave, and he lay back on the chairs in defeat.

********

Once they were outside, Jasper leaned over to Bella, who had sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. "If you're upset, I'll gladly take you home."

"Upset why? Because I saw Edward with Florence Nightengale?" She waved it off.

"Well, uh...is there someplace you'd like to go?" asked Jasper.

Before Bella could open her mouth to answer, the sky opened up in a sudden cloudburst of a downpour. Jasper began to hail a cab, but they were all full. When they finally found one, they were both soaked to the bone and chilled. Jasper began to sneeze and sniffle.

"Oh, I hope you aren't catching cold," worried Bella.

"Oh, no, it's noth--ah--achoo!" said Jasper.

When they couldn't find a cab, the two continued to walk until they reached Jasper's apartment. They hurried upstairs to sit by the warm fire.

"You're soaked through," Bella said to Jasper, giving him a small, pitying smile.

"It's nothing," he said. Then he sneezed heartily.

"You _are_ catching cold," she said.

"It's only a little sniffle," he insisted before sneezing again.

"You know what Edward does if he sneezes twice in one evening? He goes to bed with four hot water bottles, a quart of brandy, and a red woolen cap over his head." Jasper rolled his eyes discreetly as Bella continued. "You ought to see him with that red woolen cap." She smiled.

"I'm going to change into something more comfortable," Jasper said, disappearing into the bedroom and leaving Bella with a bit of a bewildered look on her face. She hoped he didn't mean...

He came out after a while in a full tuxedo with tails.

"Is that your idea of something more comfortable?" she said with a giggle.

"Well, I only have one dinner jacket," he said.

"You weren't expecting to go out again in your condition, were you?"

"Well, this hasn't been much of an evening for you," he said.

"Don't you ever think about yourself?" Bella asked with a fond smile. "What you need, young man, is a little medical attention."

"Oh, I feel fine, Bella, really."

She went over to the bar and poured him a glass of brandy. "Two big swallows of this will set you right. Sit right over there."

"Is that for me?"

"Yes. All in one big gulp."

"Oh, I don't drink liquor. I just keep it for Edward and friends."

"You mean you don't drink liquor at all?" she asked in shock.

"Oh, I haven't got anything against other people drinking it, mind you." He sneezed again.

"This isn't alcohol, Jasper. It's medicine."

"Well, if you think I ought to."

"Yes, I do. One big gulp now."

Jasper nodded and took his first sip. The taste made him wrinkle his nose, but he remembered Bella's instructions and continued to gulp the stuff down. When the glass was empty, he sniffled again.

"Don't you feel it? Doesn't it burn you or anything?"

"No. I've tried this before, and it's very interesting. I don't mind the taste of it. Only thing is, my metabolism must be very high, because I'm sorry to say I'm not one of those strong, silent men who can hold their liquor.

"I never saw anyone hold it so well. I--I don't think one is going to do you any good." She began to pour another glassful.

"I think another one would be a mistake," Jasper said sternly.

"Oh, it's just medicine. It kills the germs. All in one gulp now."

Jasper conceded and raised the glass to her. "To your good health." He set the glass down, and when he looked up at Bella again, he had glassy eyes and a goofy smile on his face. Instead of sneezing this time, he hiccuped hugely.

"Uh-oh," said Bella. "Maybe that second one was too much." She laughed nervously. "But I always say that a man's true character comes out when he's had one drink too many. Do you know another basic difference between you and Edward? Give him one too many, and he tilts forward at you. And you, Jasper, lean backwards."

"Thank you," he said, bowing his head.

"I'll tell you something else. All evening I've been waiting for just one little suspicious move from you. There isn't one man in a thousand who wouldn't take out a girl in my position and just try _something_. No matter how faint, it would still be something. And look how wonderfully you're behaving."

He bowed his head again, maybe not of his own volition. "Thank you."

She smiled. "The very first time I went out with Edward, he ruined a brand new eighty-five dollar dress. It was just awful. He didn't change the whole first year we were married. I used to think maybe it was the things he ate. I tried changing his diet around and everything."

Jasper nodded. "Thank you."

"I've had a wonderful evening, Jasper. I'm going to leave you now. You cover up nice and warm, and get a good night's sleep. You'll feel much better in the morning."

"Thank you."

She paused near the front door. "You're probably dying to kiss me and haven't got the nerve."

"That's true."

"You may." She leaned her left cheek toward him, but he backed away.

"I've a cold."

"That's very considerate," she said, leaning in again.

He launched forward a little harder than he had intended and pressed his tightly closed lips against her soft cheek. She caught him as he stumbled.

"Thank you," he repeated like a broken record.

"Another basic difference between you and Edward. Colds never stopped him. He had the measles once. How I didn't get the measles, I'll never know." She sighed, opened the door, and turned around again. "Good night, Jasper."

"Good night, Bella."

********

A week later, Edward sat having lunch with a cab driver. When the driver saw Bella emerge from her apartment building, he jumped up. "Here we go again!"

Edward jumped into the cab behind him.

"I hope she's not going to visit her mother in Long Island again," said the cabbie. "My wife don't like me to do this. This is like driving private. I don't get any freedom."

"You're getting paid, aren't you? Don't lose her."

"How did you ever become a private detective, anyway?"

"My whole family are private detectives."

"This must be costing her husband a pile of dough. You wanna hear my opinion?"

Edward didn't, but he said yes anyway.

"You ain't gonna catch her at anything. She's pretty foxy. You know what we ought to do, you and me?"

"What?"

"Let's go to a burlesque show. This dame ain't gonna do nothing this afternoon."

"In the afternoons is when you catch them," Edward corrected.

"No kiddin'. That's funny."

"What is?"

"Where does _my_ wife go every afternoon?"

"Hey look, she's going to visit me!" Edward said as he realized that they were heading in the direction of his office.

Bella got out of the cab and entered the law office of Cullen and Whitlock. Edward dashed in after her and hurried his way into his office. "Good morning," he called out to his secretary. "Where is my wife?"

"She's in Mr. Whitlock's office," said one of them.

"Mr. Whitlock's parents surprised him," said the other.

Inside Jasper's office sat the man himself, along with Bella and Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock. The older woman was sitting properly in a fur coat and hat, her gloved hand holding Bella's.

"Well, the truth is," she was saying, "we're going to Lake Placid. We always talked about spending a vacation in the snow, and now we're going to do it. But we didn't know there'd be nearly two hours between trains!"

"Is there no chance that you two can join us?" asked Mr. Whitlock.

"Oh! Well, I..." Bella trailed off.

Edward burst through Jasper's office door then. "Hello, Jas. Oh, excuse me." He went around behind Jasper's desk and beckoned him closer. "Um, about Mr. Connelly's case. His brother-in-law has him where it hurts, and I've been thinking about it a great deal." He looked toward the other three people in the office.

"Why, you're Edward Cullen!" said Mrs. Whitlock.

"My partner," added Jasper.

"Oh, how do you do sir? It's a pleasure to meet you," said Edward.

"We've heard so much about you. Jasper's just written and written like you're one of the family." She turned to Bella. "This is Mr. Cullen. Mr. Cullen, Isabella Swan."

"We met some time ago," Bella said with clenched teeth.

"Yes, we know each other very well," said Edward.

"Oh, yes, you've probably seen a great deal of her," said Mrs. Whitlock.

"Yes, I have," said Edward with a cheeky grin. "A great deal. Uh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"Just sit right down, boy," said Mr. Whitlock. "We can all get acquainted at once. Mother and I have just met Miss Bella, and we find out now they're both mighty sweet on each other. Edward probably knows it better than we do, don't you, Edward?"

"Oh, yes, of course. If it hadn't been for me, they'd have never even gotten together."

Mrs. Whitlock laid a hand on her heart. "That's so romantic."

Bella tried hard to suppress a roll of her eyes. "Um, how do you like New York, Mrs. Whitlock?"

"Oh, fine. It's so big, though, with everybody rushing around."

"Well, I'm afraid that's rather deceiving," said Edward, sitting on Jasper's desk. "We're really one big happy family here. Of course, there are a thousand-and-one little things that go on underneath the surface, and-- Oh, that reminds me. What about my laundry?"

Bella looked alarmed and sat up straighter in her chair.

"I haven't anymore shorts," Edward explained.

"Um," Jasper interrupted. "Bella kind of took care of his things around the house."

"Uh, little household things," she said.

"And one of the best housekeepers you ever saw." Edward chuckled. "I suppose you're wondering about us. Well, it's quite simple. I've known Bella for a long time and wanted to marry her. Still do, as a matter of fact, but, well...fortunes of war..."

"Oh," said Mrs. Whitlock with a frown.

"I see," said Mr. Whitlock with much the same expression.

"And let me tell you something. I know of no finer compliment that I could pay to any girl as to tell you this, that when a man has been sitting across the breakfast table from the same woman for three solid years and still wants to marry her, well...she's quite a girl." Edward smiled proudly.

Mr. Whitlock just looked confused. "Jasper, I'd like to see you in private, please. Come, Mother." He excused himself from Bella and Edward.

"Excuse me for a minute, Bella," said Jasper. He began to follow his parents into the next room. "Now, Father, I know it sounded very confusing--"

"I wasn't confused at all. What's she doing sending his shorts to the laundry?"

"Three years of breakfast!" Mrs. Whitlock said.

"Well, they had a very peculiar relationship," said Jasper.

"Were they married?" his father asked.

"Well, not exactly--"

"Not exactly?" his mother exclaimed.

"Now you mustn't jump to any conclusions about Bella..." Jasper tried to console his parents and assuage their suspicions.

Meanwhile, Bella approached Edward with a rather calm demeanor, which made him rather scared, actually, as he sat at Jasper's desk.

"Are you satisfied now? Are you satisfied to take two fine people like that whose whole lives are wrapped up in their son and make them unhappy?"

"What about me being unhappy?" asked Edward.

"All you ever think about is yourself. I can't see how you could be associated with Jasper for so long and not gotten some of his fine qualities."

"What's _fine_ about them?" exclaimed Edward.

Bella got a sort of dreamy look on her face. "Well, he's kind and simple and gentle."

"Oh, you're in one of your romantic moods again," Edward said with a roll of his eyes. "That's been the trouble since the beginning. And since when have you been so crazy about the gentle act? Shall I recall to you how I got this?" He indicated a scar above his right eyebrow. "A bed lamp!"

In the next room, Jasper continued to try to persuade his parents. He took his mother's hand in his. "When you get to know Bella, you'll find that she's everything a man wants in a woman. Now, Mother, I'm going to bring Bella to Lake Placid next weekend to visit you."

"Maybe we're being too hasty, Marcus," his mother said to his father. She patted Jasper's hand. "We'll make reservations for the children next weekend."

"I don't want to seem too harsh, Mother. All right, Jasper, we'll try and forget all this.

********

The following weekend, Lake Placid was a frozen wonderland, covered in snow and absolutely gorgeous. Jasper and Bella walked into the fancy resort exhilarated and enlivened by the crisp, clean air.

"Oh, Mr. Whitlock," the desk man said as he noticed Jasper signing his name in the register. "I have a message for you from your parents. They're on our excursion trip to the lake. They won't be able to get back until later tonight. The snow has blocked all the roads.

"I see," said Jasper.

"Here are the keys to your cabin. I'm sure you'll find it very satisfactory."

Jasper still looked a bit uneasy. "Um...they're not connecting rooms, are they?"

"No," said the desk man. "They're separate suites."

Jasper seemed comforted by that fact. Soon, they were bundled up and taking a sleigh ride to their cabin. Bella inhaled the smell of fresh snow and pine trees.

"Mmmm, clean, cold air! I love the smell of snow."

"No one can smell snow," Jasper said reasonably.

"I can."

They pulled up to the lovely cabin, and the bellboys got their luggage inside. Jasper handed them a generous tip when they came back.

"Thank you, sir. Telephone when you want to go to dinner, and the sleigh will be here in a few minutes. The sleigh service is discontinued after ten o'clock at night, and so are the telephones. We try to make this a real retreat."

Jasper smiled widely. "Well, that suits me."

The boys hopped back up into the sleigh and drove off, leaving Jasper and Bella standing alone in front of the cabin.

"A man has no right to ask for anything more beautiful," he said of the gorgeous surroundings.

"Oh, look! Someone else has the other suite," observed Bella.

"I'm glad of that." Jasper smiled at Bella. "Well, on with our skis!" When they began to make their way inside, they were stopped short by a sight that neither of them would have expected in a million years. "Why, it's Edward," said Jasper.

Bella's face fell. "What are you doing here?" she sneered. But when Edward didn't answer and fell face-first into the snow, she cried out and ran to him. "Oh! Oh, he's fainted!"

Jasper knelt next to Bella. "What happened to him?"

"Oh, he's terribly ill!"

"He's got quite an even pulse."

"Well don't let him soak here! Let's carry him inside!" She was becoming more frantic with every second that passed.

"Oh, yes," Jasper said. He lifted Edward into a seated position before trying to carry him. They struggled with the dead weight that was Edward. It was rather a comedy of errors to see them trying to carry him into the house, Jasper carrying his upper half while Bella carried his legs. Once they had him inside, they laid him out on the bed. Bella looked around and saw that his things were strewn about the cabin.

Bella rubbed Edward's hands vigorously. "He's frozen. He's blue with cold. Maybe he ought to have a little Brandy," suggested Bella.

Jasper looked disapproving, and a little green, as he remembered that night. "No, I'm afraid not. I'm afraid that's what did it. I think a few hours of sleep will bring him around."

"Do you really think so? We'd better get these wet clothes off of him," said Bella.

Jasper once more lifted Edward up to a sitting position and wrestled him out of his coat.

Edward began to mumble. "We will go away the first two weeks in December. The first two weeks of December."

"What's he saying?" Jasper asked.

Bella gasped. "We were supposed to come here the first two weeks in December."

"You'll be crazy about it, Bella," he murmured again.

Bella's eyes looked a little teary. "He must've been here the whole week torturing himself. He shouldn't have come here." She tried to ignore his drunken rambling. "Let's get these wet things off him."

Jasper laid Edward back on the bed again and went to remove the man's soaked-through pants. "Bella, I think maybe you ought to go to your room."

"Why? What's the matter?" she asked worriedly.

"Well, I need to get him undressed."

"Well, go ahead," she said.

"Well, uh...he's" Jasper indicated that he was about to take Edward's pants off.

"Oh. Well, if you need me, call me." She turned to go to her room.

"The first two weeks in December," Edward slurred again.

She looked back, feeling guilty, then turned around again to head toward her room, shoulders slumped and face long.

********

"If you take a little walk in the snow, you'll feel better," Jasper was saying to Bella later as they sat in front of the fire.

Bella was wringing her hands worriedly. "He'll get delirious again and want water."

Jasper waved it off. "Oh, he's sleeping like a baby. There's nothing we can do for him now."

"I think I'll look once more," Bella said. She went next door to Edward's suite with Jasper on her heels.

In actuality, Edward was sitting up in bed smoking a cigarette and congratulating himself on his fine acting skills. When he heard the door to the next suite open, he put out the cigarette and lay back under the covers.

Bella and Jasper crept in and stood over his "sleeping" form. Edward began mumbling again.

"He's trying to say something," Bella said hopefully.

"The first two weeks in December..."

"Oh, he's opening his eyes!" Bella said. "Hello, Edward."

Edward turned his bleary eyes to Bella's beautiful face.

"Hello, Edward," Jasper said.

Edward turned to Jasper then. "Hello, Bella," he said.

"My, he is in bad shape," said Jasper.

"I'll never forget you in that little blue dress," Edward told Jasper.

Bella laughed softly. "That's the dress I was wearing when I first met him. The one I told you about--the one he tore. He liked me in that."

Jasper raised an eyebrow. "I think we ought to let him rest awhile."

Edward began to make a strange gurgling noise. "What's the matter? That isn't a rattle, is it?" Bella said urgently.

"I don't think so. I wish I could hear it again though."

Edward turned his head slightly toward Jasper and purposely gurgled again.

"No. He's just clearing his throat."

Bella frowned. "He looks awful." She fretted over Edward while Jasper looked on with a frown. He decided then and there to set things straight.

When they were back in their own suite, Jasper asked Bella to sit down. He leaned on the wooden post by the door. "Bella, you and Edward have had three years together, and whether you realize it or not, there's a bond between you, and it's not easily broken."

Bella breathed out and smiled forlornly. "People get divorced."

"It's true that I think you'd be better off with me, but then I'm prejudiced. My first wish is to see you happy, and it's possible--it's more than possible--that as peculiar as Edward is, you still couldn't be happy without him. I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. I'd like you to take a few days to think about this whole thing. If you find you can't go on without Edward, well... You know I'll wish you every happiness in the world."

Bella stood up. "That's very kind of you. Don't you think we ought to see how he's getting along?"

"We'll only wake him up."

"I'll go see if he's still asleep. I'll look through the window." Bella walked out of their suite to do just that, and what she saw surprised her greatly.

Edward was sitting up in bed with an apple and a knife, peeling and chomping merrily. She stormed to his cabin door, the stomping alarming Edward of her approach. He quickly hid the apple and knife under the blankets.

When she crept back in, he was once again "sleeping" soundly. Bella's anger grew. She looked around the room. Everything was beginning to take on a red tint. She picked up the first thing she could find--a water pitcher, full to the brim--and flung it at Edward's head. He opened his eyes and ducked under the covers right in time.

"I will never forget you in that little blue dress," Edward tried.

"Little blue dress, eh? You've been found out, you beast! I should've known your being here was all too convenient!"

"Now, look here, Bella," Edward said, finally ending the show and sitting up.

"Big sympathy act, coming up here and pretending you're all batty."

"But I love you, Bella!"

"Listen to me, Edward. You get out of here. I never want to lay eyes on you again. You're just making a nuisance of yourself!" Edward grabbed her wrists. "Get your hands off me!"

He tightened his grip. "Bella, I don't care what you say. I know you're in love with me!"

"And I know you're crazy!"

"You're mine, and you belong to me. You couldn't have anything to do with that pile of southern fried chicken."

"That's what you think!"

"Let me tell you something, Bella. You couldn't let him lay a hand on you. I know you. Not after what we've been through with each other."

"He's going to lay a hand on me, and we're going to get married!" she shrieked.

That shut him up rather quickly, and she turned to walk away.

"Okay," Edward said. "If that's the way you feel about it, I won't stand in your way. I've been thrown out of my own home, threatened by cops, chased around in taxi cabs, and neglected my job. Only because I loved you and wanted you back again. Now I'm finished. All washed up. Go ahead and marry the guy. I hope you'll be very happy."

Bella's expression softened for just a moment before she found her resolve again and walked out the door. She stormed back to Jasper. "Well, you heard," she said as she paced the room. "He liked me in that little blue dress." She stopped pacing long enough to look into his eyes. "Jas, will you marry me?"

"I'd be honored to, Bella. But do you think it's wise to make a decision in anger?"

"Even at a time like this you could be considerate of him?"

"Your happiness is my only concern," he insisted.

"I'm not good enough for you, Jasper."

"You're making me the happiest man in the world. I know what you'd like. You'd like some nice dinner now, wouldn't you? How about some nice southern fried chicken?"

Her head snapped up and she looked at him for a moment, trying to discern whether he was teasing. She sighed when she found only sincerity in his eyes.

At that moment, a voice could be heard from the other side of the wall. "Hello? Is that the porter? What's the first train that I can get back to New York? Ten-thirty? All right. Have a sleigh up here half an hour before, will you?"

Bella's eyes widened and her heart sank as she realized that what Edward had said was true. He was finished. There were no more games to be played here. Her eyes filled with tears that she blinked back.

********

The bells on the horses' harnesses jingled merrily as Jasper and Bella rode back to their cabin after dinner.

"I thought it was a very nice dinner, didn't you?" Jasper said.

"I wasn't very hungry," said Bella. "I hope he has the decency to leave tonight."

"Who, Edward? He won't stay around when he's not wanted. I bet you he'll be gone by the time we get back."

Bella sighed. "You know the real reason he keeps chasing me isn't he's still so much in love with me. He's such an egotist, he can't bear the idea of letting someone else kiss me."

Jasper shrugged and gave a smug smile.

Bella looked at her watch, feeling anxious that Edward would have already left by the time they arrived back at the cabin. She bundled her coat around her. "You know, I'm worried about him," she said.

"Who? Oh, Edward, yes."

"He may have been putting on an act today, but he'll really take to drinking from now on."

"Oh, I don't think so. He'll probably find someone else. Edward's the type that always gets married again."

Bella's wide eyes snapped forward. She didn't like the sound of that one single bit. "I--I'm so afraid he'll ruin his life on account of me. Spoil a brilliant future. He is brilliant, you know." The last part was said in a quieter, more reverent voice. "If I could only make him... I mean, if I could only disillusion him about me. Make him hate me. Yes, if he'd only hate me, that'd be the solution." She felt she was really onto something. "Listen, those walls are paper thin, and you can hear everything!"

Jasper looked shocked. "Why, Bella, what are you suggesting?"

"Oh, it's a wonderful idea! Hurry, driver, hurry!"

********

At the door of Bella's suit, they bade each other good night. Jasper gave her a peck on the cheek. "Good night, Bella. It's a wonderful thing you're doing."

"It'd be on my conscience otherwise."

"Good night," he said again and went to his own suite.

It was then that Bella began her act. Still standing outside her cabin door, she said in a loud, clear voice, "Come on in, Jas!" Of course, she was speaking to nothing but air.

Edward, who was packing his bags next door, heard her and stopped for a second before going back to his work.

"It's early yet," Bella said. She opened the door and began running about and shouting Jasper's name, giggling in between. "Oh, put me down, Jasper! Put me down this instant!" She jumped up and down to make it sound as though he had done just that. "Oh, Jasper. Now, you know I've had enough to drink Jas, and so have you." She giggled and threw a glass on the ground, followed by a chair. "Oh, Jas, are you hurt? Shh, don't talk so loud. Let me help you up, Jas." She made sounds of a struggle to help "Jasper" up from the floor. "Oh, my, aren't you strong?" She giggled again.

From one side of the wall, Edward narrowed his eyes, though he went about his business. From the other side, Jasper was amused by Bella's acting abilities.

"Oh, no. Jasper, what are you doing?" Bella said, feigning shock. "Unless you stop, Jasper, I'll have to ask you to leave. Behave yourself!"

It was at this moment that Edward stormed in, intent on rescuing the love of his life. Only he found her all alone in the room, wringing her hands and speaking to no one but the furniture. They stared at each other for a moment. Edward stalked slowly toward her.

"You haven't even got any pride," Bella said. "I only did this for you so you'd realize it was all over between us."

"There's only one way to handle you," Edward growled. He grabbed her around the shoulders and dragged her across the room.

"Oh! Jasper!" she called, then turned her attention back to Edward. "Let go of me! Jasper, I'm not acting! This is real!"

Jasper sprinted into the room just as Bella wrested herself from Edward's grasp. She ran across the room and grabbed a lamp. "Hit him, Jasper! Hit him!" She held the lamp out.

"I don't need it," Jasper said in a low voice.

"You wanna make anything out of it?" Edward asked, squaring his shoulders and jaw.

Jasper took a seemingly menacing step toward him. "I forgive you, Edward."

"You mean you're not going to_ hit him?!_" Bella exclaimed

Jasper walked past Edward and toward her. "Bella, you're so attractive that I take it for granted that other men less disciplined will always take liberties with you. Violence shows a lack of character."

"You mean you're not going to do anything to him?" she asked incredulously.

Edward got a smug look on his face and walked over to stand beside the fireplace.

"Well, would you respect me more if I knocked him down?"

"Would I? You big dummy, what kind of a man are you? How could you be in love with a woman and let someone paw her?"

"Now, Bella, let's not say anything in anger. We'll be sorry for it."

"Haven't you any self respect?!"

It was then, unfortunately, that Mr. and Mrs. Whitlock came from the cold night into Bella's cabin.

"Surprise!" said Mrs. Whitlock. "Have you children had a good time together?"

Meanwhile, the argument went on, and the Whitlocks' presence was barely noticed.

Jasper was the only semi-calm one. "Bella, do you realize you're raising your voice?"

"Ha! Raising her voice?" Edward said, knowing she could do much worse.

"Certainly I'm raising my voice!"

"Well, I never saw you act like this before. I always thought you were the gentle type of girl."

"Very gentle," Edward interjected. "How do you think I got this?" He tapped the scar on his head.

"Jasper!" Mr. Whitlock exclaimed. "I forbid you to marry this--this woman!"

"You! You forbid _him_ to marry _me_?" She turned to Jasper. "Listen to me, you stuffed shirt. Even a mouse has enough backbone to fight sometimes! You know, taking your hat off on an elevator doesn't make a man out of you. You can teach a monkey to do that. And I'll take a mouse or a monkey over you anytime, whether he's a maniac or beats his wife, over a lump of jelly like you! But I'm not going to take you. Why don't you go out and get a Girl Guide and go camping together? Let me out of here before I forget I'm a lady!" She stormed out, slamming the door behind her.

Edward stood by with an all-knowing, sort of proud look on his face. "You have just seen her in one of her quieter moments."

Jasper and his parents were bundled up into the sleigh within mere moments, and away they went, hoping to see neither hide nor hair of Bella and her whirlwind temper again.

Edward smugly went back inside and opened the door to the room, where his wife was slumped in a chair, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. Edward shut the bedroom door and began to loosen his tie.

She narrowed her eyes from her position in a chair. "I'm warning you, Edward Cullen..."

He stood over her, continuing to take off his tie and stare her down.

"I'm telling you...d-don't you try anything!" she spat, but her anger was dissolving under the heated look he was giving her. He could always get anything out of her with that stare.

He walked past her and calmly laid his tie on the bed and loosened the top few buttons on his shirt.

"Edward, I--I'm warning you," she repeated. She knew she had been a brat throughout this whole debacle.

Edward came up to stand in front of her. She smelled his cologne and looked up to see him looking down and smiling with a leering gaze. With that one look, her resolve crumbled completely. Once she sighed, he knew her stormy mood had passed. He leaned over her, and she reached her arms up to wrap around his neck.

"Oh, Edward," she sighed. "I'm so sorry, Edward."

He covered her mouth with his own, not only to shut her up, but because he had been dying to kiss his wife for weeks now. When the simple, sweet kiss turned more passionate, Edward lifted her into his arms and carried her to the bed. He'd known she would give in eventually. He was feeling quite pleased with himself, but he knew better than to open his big mouth right now. Right now he was focused on one thing and one thing only.

He trailed his lips down Bella's neck as he unbuttoned her blouse, and she did the same with his shirt. "So sorry," she mumbled, but he covered her mouth again with his own. When they were rid of their clothing, Edward laid his wife back on the bed and began to worship her body with his mouth.

"Edward," she whispered. She had known all along that there could be no one else, but her stubborn brain had kept that fact from entering her heart. As his tongue worked between her folds, she gasped and threw her head back in ecstasy. The fact entered her mind now that, had she actually married Jasper, she might not have ever again felt this intense longing and passion.

Edward, meanwhile, was intent on showing his wife exactly what she had been missing. He slide his tongue over the crux of her womanhood, eliciting the exact response for which he had been hoping. He smiled as she groaned bucked her hips against his face. He knew her body so well--any second now, and... _Ah, there it is,_ he thought as she pulsed and throbbed and thrashed and shouted.

Edward moved back up her body and entered her before she had sufficient time to recover from her orgasm. "Oh," he said with a groan. "How I've missed you."

Bella took her face in her hands and kissed him in answer. They moved together, bodies knowing innately what the other needed. Their lovemaking built to a beautiful crescendo as they pushed and pulled and ground and loved, until at last they came together, each calling the other's name in their rapture. When they were still and tangled together among the sheets, the relief washed over them that they were back where they belonged. They had both been ridiculous--they were married in heart, soul, and body. The only issue was the legality of the thing, which they would resolve as soon as they returned home.

As Edward lit a cigarette and passed it to his wife, he wondered how many days they'd be locked in the bedroom this time.

The End.


End file.
